It's All Coming Back To Me Now
by Shipper Utopia
Summary: Alex has a secret and Cragen has a near-death experience. Takes place immedietely after "Guilt" Alex/Cragen


The tall, muscular, elderly Congressman, Bryan Cabot, came down the steps of his Boston home and hugged his daughter. "Alex."  
  
"Dad."  
  
"Are you all right, sweetie?" He asked, looking at the bruise and cut on her head mixed with the exhausted look on her face.  
  
"Can we talk about it later?"  
  
"Of course. I have all the time in the world. Your mother's inside." He didn't even tell her that Rebecca had requested to see her; Alex would know that he was lying.  
  
Alex reluctantly walked inside the house, to her mother's sunroom. The small woman turned around. "Alexandra."  
  
"Mother." Even while she was tending her plants, she was perfectly groomed in a white dress that didn't have a spot or a wrinkle on it. She didn't even have gray hair yet, every strand was still natural blonde, part of her refusal to grow old.  
  
She studied her daughter. "You look awful."  
  
Alex looked down at her jeans and silk shirt, a few wrinkles from the plane ride, but otherwise neatly groomed as well. "Well, thank you, Mother."  
  
"Elizabeth's getting your room ready." Alex's mother turned back to finish watering her plants and Alex knew that the few words would be all the conversation they would have.  
  
"She doesn't mean that, Ally." He slipped into the nickname he'd given her as a little girl, the one that no one else could get away with calling her. "She just…" He looked at his only child, his baby girl. Rebecca had never forgiven him for wanting a child; she liked her social life too much to give it up. He had been the one to take care of Alex, to comfort her when she had a bad dream, to hire her nannies, to personally put her to bed and read her a story every night.  
  
"Dad, I have to call someone, but then can we have a talk?"  
  
He nodded. "I'll be in my library."  
  
She walked into her room, smiled at the young woman who was evidently one of the new servants, and asked to be alone before she called New York.  
  
Detective Olivia Benson answered her cell phone. "Olivia."  
  
"Olivia, it's Alex."  
  
"You got to Boston all right?" Olivia was the only one that knew where she'd gone.  
  
"Yeah. You didn't tell him, did you?"  
  
Olivia knew whom she meant. "No."  
  
"And you'll call me if anything should happen?"  
  
"Yeah. I'll call." She knew how much Alex and Cragen loved each other and it hurt her to see them apart. "Alex, you are coming home, aren't you?"  
  
"I'm not sure. I'll call you when I know. Olivia, take care of him."  
  
"I will." Both sides hung up and Alex wiped her eyes. She missed her friends and she missed Cragen, but she felt like she was drowning in New York. It was as if she was missing something, but as hard as she tried to find it, she was at a loss. She looked at her forehead, applying more makeup to try to cover up the bruise. It had happened back when she still had Cragen; he'd been so worried about her. She looked at her appointment book; her doctor had wanted her to get a second opinion if she didn't start to feel normal again, she had an appointment the next day. Right now though, she needed help.  
  
"Dad." Bryan turned around and stood until Alex sat in the leather chair facing him.  
  
"Alex, what's going on? I love you and I love you being home, but this isn't like you." He went to New York on business and met his daughter for lunch or coffee; Alex never came to Boston since she'd graduated from law school.  
  
"I needed to get away from New York for a little while."  
  
"Does it have anything to do with the bump on your head?" If he hadn't met Cragen, he would have suspected abuse, but the cop loved Alex and would never hurt her.  
  
She nodded. "A case. A kid was abused; there was a fight in the courthouse. Detective Stabler got the victim and his mother away fast enough but I got knocked down." She paused and he waited silently for her to continue. "The victim tried to asphyxiate himself; the stress got to be too much and Cragen and I fought World War Three." Tears began to fall silently without Alex realizing it. "I found a loophole, I used it, Cragen got even more upset, and I got suspended."  
  
"When was this?"  
  
"A week ago."  
  
"Did you go to your doctor for your head?"  
  
"Cragen had me go when it happened. The doctor said that it should pass and if it wasn't better in a week, to get a second opinion. I have an appointment tomorrow."  
  
"What about your work? Are you going to be able to go back?"  
  
"In a month, if I want. I don't get what I'm doing there half the time. I mean, what good is prosecuting when the victim doesn't get justice?"  
  
"Alex, law isn't always about justice." She smiled for the first time since she'd arrived. "What?"  
  
"That's what Cragen used to say."  
  
"Have you talked to him since the fight?"  
  
"He wants me to say what I did was wrong and I don't think it was. I did what I had to do."  
  
"Alex, the first time I met Cragen, I didn't see what you did in him. I saw what your mother saw, an overworked Irish cop around fifty or sixty, way too old for you, with a daughter and a grandchild. Then I talked to him; I saw you two together…he loves you, honey. He takes good care of you. Sometimes, people fight because they love each other so much. My way of thinking is that if you don't care about each other, you don't care what you do, so you don't fight." He could talk to both Houses, but when it came to his daughter, subjects were difficult to approach.  
  
The next day, Alex went into her doctor's office.  
  
"Alex! Are you home for good or for a vacation?"  
  
"Not sure yet."  
  
"What happened to your head?"  
  
Alex repeated the story. "The headaches and nausea hasn't left and I'm tired all time."  
  
"Okay. It sounds like it could be from stress, but I'll do some tests just to make sure." Alex waited, lost in her thoughts until the nurse came in and handed the doctor some papers.  
  
"Alex, you're pregnant. Would you like to know about the baby?" More and more women didn't these days, due to abortions and everything else, but Alex nodded and she was glad.  
  
"She's two inches long and weighs less than half an inch. You might even feel her kick soon."  
  
"Her? Is it a girl?"  
  
"Too soon to tell." Alex heard the heartbeat and smiled. "Mood swings are common. I'll get you some prenatal vitamins."  
  
Almost as soon as Alex came in the door, the phone rang and her father answered it. "Alex, it's Olivia Benson."  
  
Alex hurried to the phone. "What happened?"  
  
"Cragen's at the hospital. He may have had a heart attack; we're not sure yet." Without even realizing it, Alex let out a low moan and bit her lip. "Alex, what do we need to do?"  
  
She sat up on the bed. "Grace. Have you told Grace?" Alex asked, referring to Cragen's daughter.  
  
"No."  
  
"Tell her. She should be at the house."  
  
"I'll have Elliot do it. What else?"  
  
"Nothing. I'll be there in an hour." She hung up and tried to control the panic attack she was already facing. She didn't realize her father was still standing in the open doorway until he spoke.  
  
"Alex?"  
  
She turned to look at him, tears running down her face. "Cragen. They think he had a heart attack."  
  
"You'll use the plane. It's cheaper and easier. I'll make the arrangements. Pack." He said, already making himself busy.  
  
An hour later, Alex ran through the hospital doors to find Olivia and John Munch waiting. There were so many questions Alex wanted to ask that she couldn't ask all at once.  
  
"Calm down." Olivia said, moving closer to her friend. "Come sit down." She hadn't seen Alex look this terrified and frantic since the night that Sam Cavanagh died. "They ran an EEG. He didn't have a heart attack, but they're trying to keep it that way. Family can see him soon. Elliot went to tell Grace; they should be here any minute."  
  
"Alex, he'll be all right." Munch tried to offer comfort to his friend, but there was an unusual tone in his voice that worried her. It was almost as if he were afraid too.  
  
"He didn't have a heart attack?" Alex finally found her voice to ask.  
  
Olivia shook her head. "I really thought he had. All the signs were there, but he never lost consciousness."  
  
The doors opened again and a blonde with brown eyes came running into the room. "Alex? You're home?" Alex nodded. "How's Dad? Have you seen him yet?"  
  
"Family can see him soon."  
  
"Alex, I hate to ask this now, but what do we do about work?" Munch asked.  
  
"I can't help with that anymore. Try Elizabeth Donnelly if you have any problems, but you four can handle things. Where's Fin?"  
  
"At the station. We're going back now. Olivia will stay with you two." Elliot said before he and Munch left.  
  
"Detective Benson?" The doctor that had given Olivia the earlier update came into the hallway. He noticed Alex and Grace.  
  
"Friend or family?"  
  
"Family." Grace answered for both her and Alex, who didn't have a clue what to say.  
  
"He's on medications to control blood pressure, prevent the blood clot from getting larger, and decrease the workload on his heart. We've given him nitroglycerin to control his chest pain and he's on oxygen and an IV. If the medication to prevent the blood clot from growing doesn't work, we're going to have to do bypass surgery. He'll need a special diet and medications to keep this from happening again."  
  
"Do…do you know what caused it?" Alex asked.  
  
"Not for certain. Even if an immediate heart attack is avoided, he'll still be at a greater risk for a heart attack."  
  
"Can we see him?" Grace asked.  
  
"He's asleep, but yes." The doctor excused himself and Alex turned to look at Grace.  
  
"Grace, why don't you go first so that you can take care of Jesse? I'll stay with Cragen tonight." Grace nodded and walked into her father's room.  
  
As Alex slowly turned around, Olivia saw that she was crying again. "Alex?"  
  
"If Elliot had a heart attack before you could tell him that you were pregnant, what would you do?"  
  
"Is this rhetorical?"  
  
"No. I'm pregnant. How am I going to tell Cragen? I mean, I've already nearly killed him."  
  
"How do you figure that? You were in Boston. Elliot and I were in the office when it happened. If anyone caused it, we did."  
  
"We had a huge fight a week and a half ago that broke us up. Not to mention the huge case that I almost lost."  
  
"Even Elliot agrees that we all were responsible for that and there are a lot of other things that could have caused this. Lack of sleep, age, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, weight, and stress. Besides, he didn't have a heart attack."  
  
"Not yet."  
  
"Alex, are you excited about the baby?"  
  
"I was. I was so convinced that I could raise her alone, if I had to, but now…this certainly can't help him right now."  
  
"Well, if you're excited, I'm excited for you. You'll be a great mom."  
  
Grace came out of the room in time to hear the last statement. "What? You're pregnant?"  
  
Alex and Olivia turned to look at the younger woman. "Grace, you can't tell your father. Not until I figure out how to do it in my own way. Especially not until after he's out of here."  
  
"I wouldn't do that to either of you, Alex. Olivia's right. You'll be a great mom. You're already great with Jesse and me." Alex smiled for the first time in two weeks. "Dad will be happy about the baby. He really loves you, you know? He tells me all the time how much he misses you."  
  
Alex felt uncomfortable. "Give Jesse a hug for me." Grace nodded and left.  
  
"Do you need me anymore?" Olivia asked.  
  
Alex shook her head. "I want to be alone with him for a little while."  
  
"Okay. You know my number if something happens in the night and I'll check in tomorrow morning."  
  
"Thank you, Olivia." The female cop nodded as she left and Alex walked into Cragen's room, hesitantly.  
  
"It's me. I know I'm probably the last person you want to see, especially right now." She thought about her father's words as she took Cragen's hand gently in her own. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that to you and I should have stayed to work things out instead of running away. It's just..." Tears started again. "I don't want to lose you and I've never come that close to losing you before. That is, until now. God, Cragen, please don't leave me now." She felt him tighten his grasp on her hand, but his eyes didn't open. "All right. That's good enough."  
  
Around two o'clock in the morning, Grace came back, waking Alex up. "I'm sorry. You need your sleep." Grace said.  
  
"So do you. Where's Jesse?"  
  
"With Grandma." Grace said, referring to Cragen's mother-in-law. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah. I was talking to your dad. I must have bored myself to sleep."  
  
"Did you tell him?"  
  
"No. How are you? What did you tell Jesse?"  
  
"Just that Poppy was sick. I don't know how I am. If I lose Dad, I'll be an orphan. That's pathetic, isn't it? I have a six-year-old son, I'm twenty-one-years old, and I'll still feel like an orphan."  
  
"It's not pathetic. What did your dad tell you about the case?"  
  
"Just that you two fought and that he didn't know how to make it right again. He tried calling you yesterday, but you didn't answer and he wouldn't leave a message on the machine."  
  
"I've been in Boston, visiting my parents. It wasn't all Cragen's fault; I should have tried to make it right too."  
  
"Alex, I was twelve when Mom died. Sometimes I have to look at her picture to remember her." Alex started to say something, but Grace continued. "When I was little, Dad used to make me laugh; nothing could ever make him sad for long. He loved joking with Uncle Max and he loved just sitting and talking to Mom." She could tell that she was making Alex feel uncomfortable. "When he lost Uncle Max and Mom, it was almost as if he didn't feel anything at all anymore. Until one day, he came home ranting and raving about a female ADA that the Morris Commission had assigned him."  
  
"So you're saying I drove him crazy?" Alex asked.  
  
"He used to rant and rave about Uncle Max too. Uncle Max was his best friend. I knew then that I was going to get a new mom."  
  
"Grace, I never wanted to replace Marge with either of you. I would never presume."  
  
"You didn't replace her. You're not Mom. No one expects you to be. Alex, I'm getting married and I want you to help me."  
  
"Okay." Alex said as they turned their attentions back to Cragen. 


End file.
